Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I hate to even say that word DEPRESSION. Just saying it makes me depressed. But it is real and tries to come upon us when we are not aware. A friend of mind told me a long time ago to be aware of things that would come into my eye gate or ear gate. And Linda was so right! I can be going along in life and hear or see something and it can move me right off the Truth!
Don’t know if many of you know, but last year my husband was diagnosed with Wegener's Granulomatosis Disease. It is a rare disease, only one in thirty thousand get it, and he is one of the one’s, but he has a good spirit about it and says, “Oh! I was the lucky one.” Anyway, it was a shock to us to say the least. It is in remission today, thanks to great doctors and a discovered medication program. Please pray with us about this and we would be grateful.
Back to my subject for this day…last Saturday night my eyes saw something and my ears heard something with in two days concerning WG and I had applied both things to my husbands condition and I did not realize it but in 24 hours it did a number on my mind. It involved what I call “mind chatter”, that’s self-talk, those words that go on in your head all day without you even knowing it. Words that you believe, but are lies! I had built a case, strong case, that I was going to be a Widow and soon because my husband was not going to make it. I am going to be very transparent with you and tell you what it looked like because I know you might be going through something_________, about to go through something________, or have just come out of something_________ and beside the word “something” you can fill in the blank…
So here goes, at what went on with me last Saturday night, at about 9:00 pm, Phil had been talking with me and I was looking closely, too close, at his swollen eyes and face from the meds, I had just checked his ankle for the swelling that shows it’s ugly head from time to time saying “I am back!” (the WG). I didn’t say a word to him, not wanting him to know I was worried. The day before someone had said, Oh Phil has WG Oh My! I know a man that _______!!! I don’t even want to say what she said, but you get the picture. I walked into the laundry room and saw the dryer had stopped and it was time to fold clothes. As I was folding them, this dark, deep, black cloud came over me with thoughts that were so negative. I felt I was falling in a downward spiral that was sucking me down to the pits of a dungeon and the door would close tight and I would never get out. I was DEPRESSED!!! At that time, I felt warm tears start to fall down my cheeks. I knew my cry was going to come out, the cry that had been inside me for a year. I grabbed a towel to muffle the sound and began to cry so loudly I was afraid Phil would hear, even though he was upstairs. I knew it was about losing him to this disease that to this date has no cure. I did not want to have my worry to be a weight on him. In my mind this was so real, so real I pictured this thing as a big lion or a bear slowing taking quite steps around the periphery of our land, waiting to pounce upon us when we weren’t looking….
After a moment, Holy Spirit reminded me that He was here living in me and that I was not alone. I immediately came into my senses, shook my head, stopping the cry as I looked up. In my head, I heard the scripture Phil had the boys and me to memorize years ago, I Peter 5:8 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” At that very second, I came out of those feelings of despair. I was then able to take control of my thoughts, that felt so true but were lies. Realizing where the lies were coming from, I thought of Jesus being tempted by the evil one and how He quoted scripture. Well I did the same, I said another verse Phil had assigned us and it worked for me that night. I said with authority, and had it to the day, 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Truly friends I declare to you today it worked!! I snapped out of it, the animal roaming near by pictured in my mind, is gone and I have control over my negative thoughts and have replaced them with positive thoughts.
And another thing, so sweet, I call it a “Telegram from God”. While I was in my condition that night crying out to God I said, “If you could please Sir, give me a sign that this is going to be alright”. I did this with fear and trembling, because I don’t feel I have the right to ask when I know we are to walk by faith and not by sight, but I was pleading for just one Word. Well the next morning, Phil and I as we do each morning, have our coffee while talking over the thoughts we have and discuss the days events. I felt a tug in my spirit to tell him what went on. He has always had my heart and nothing is kept from him, so I told him everything that had happened the night before. He was amazed but not surprised about he whole thing. We then started to talk about my new devotional book. (look for a writing about this awesome book at a later date) My friend, June gave me the book, recently. I like to read it on the day of ones birth date. He said lets read mine. His birthday is Nov 22nd so I turned to that day and read it out loud and started laughing with joy! Right in the middle of the page, here were the words I read, and I KNOW this was a WORD for me from PAPA…”you can not yet live in heaven, but you can experience foretastes of your ultimate home. Such samples of heavenly fare revive your hope. Thankfulness opens you up to these experiences, which then provide further reasons to be grateful. Thus, your path becomes an upward spiral: ever increasing gladness.” (taken from Jesus Calling by Sara Young). I am convinced this message was for me instead of the downward spiral of depression I now have an upward spiral of hope. After that night in what seemed to be a bad thing, it has turned out to be a good thing, causing me to think of another verse Rom. 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”………